If you can't laugh at yourself, at whom can you laugh? Who said that? I love that saying...
When I was in 2nd Grade, in 1977, I loved my teacher, Mrs. Bjorkman. She had horn-rimmed glasses and almost black, short hair. She wore a dress everyday and loved us kids. She also loved playing her piano as we sang patriotic songs. There we'd sit on the floor, "indian style" (now it's "criss cross applesauce"), as she be-bopped away on the keys, singing "You're a Grand Old Flag" and "Yankee Doodle." She played standing up with her back to us and I remember how her round butt looked, bouncing around right in front of our faces, her skirt swaying back and forth, her feet, bound in sensible shoes, tapping the beat. She was always smiling...
One day, we were all sitting on the rug while she sat in her chair reading us a story. I liked listening to stories as they were entertaining, the room was quiet, and they didn't require any effort on my part. As I listened to her voice and almost became sleepy from the noise of the fan and quietness of the room, I farted. Out of the blue. Loudly. And there was no escaping who it had come from. Needless to say, the red face, the laughter that ensued, and the assurance from my teacher that "now kids, everybody does that" is still happening today in all classrooms all over America. That's something they don't teach you in college.
Children fart. All the time. Fart sounds never cease to amuse even adults, who must resort to buying Flarp noise putty to get their laughs. What would we do without boys to make fart sounds with their armpits? Even a balloon expelling air causes fits. We all just have to admit: Farts are really funny. The next time a kid farts, look around at the other kids and revel in their faces of pure happiness and laughter. You will be laughing in no time, too. The next time you need to cheer someone up, exchange fart stories. Or read them Walter the Farting Dog.
Ok, wait. I have to amend my previous statement: Farts are really funny, until the smell hits you. An elementary classroom after lunch has its own unique blend of aromas that originate from 20+ (or 30+ depending on what grade-and that could be a whole other post on smells being emitted from pre-pubescent tweens) humans who've eaten a variety of lunch entrees, from pizza to chicken nuggets, salad, mac n'cheese, corn dogs, "taco boats," and even bean burritos! Why the HELL do they serve raw broccoli at the salad bar? The cafeteria workers/menu planners ought to sprinkle beano on everything and call it something clever. Fart-buster dust? I'm not a fan of air freshener, but some days the citrus febreeze finds its way into my hands and I'm spraying away, I'll take asthma over this stench any day!
Teachers (and volunteers! you are not off the hook) also pass gas in their classrooms. But what's so great about that is the kids always get blamed. I, shamelessly, have crop-dusted many a learning station as I walk by, only to hear someone else get blamed for farting. Just the other day, I had had a delicious chicken burger on a whole wheat bun with field greens and tomato with hint of lime tortilla chips and a diet Pepsi for lunch. Well, those tiny little air bubbles made their way to the exit sign just in time for class to start. So I just routinely dropped my bomb and walked away. I'm the teacher, I can do that. Unfortunately for me, the kid who was in the drop zone was not known for his subtlety and announced as he waved his hands in front of his face (smiling and laughing) that it "smells like rotten eggs over there!" Not one kid thought it was me. I'm the teacher, I don't fart.
Two years at Back-to-School Night, karma came to get me. I had given my presentation, something I never got used to doing, but managed ok, and some parents were hanging around to chat. I briefly talked with a few and suddenly I was face-to-face with a "hot dad." We're talking 6'5", tan, big guns, strong....and his wife, who I personally know as a former colleague. We hadn't met yet so he introduced himself and gestured to shake my hand. So I said, "Nice to meet y-FART!" at the exact moment we shook hands. His wife just looked away and tried (bless her) to pretend she didn't notice and a pregnant parent said, "Oh, that happens to me all the time!" as she patted her very huge abdomen. OK, I'm not pregnant. I just had Taco Bell cause I haven't been home since 7 a.m.
All I could do was laugh, because once again I found myself in the same second grade predicament. I turned beet red, suffered a little awkwardness, and then just laughed and so did everybody else. Maybe someday you'll find on bookstore shelves a book entitled, Mrs. B the Farting Teacher."
It turns out Mrs. Bjorkman was right. It does "happen to everybody" and it is really funny.
When I was in 2nd Grade, in 1977, I loved my teacher, Mrs. Bjorkman. She had horn-rimmed glasses and almost black, short hair. She wore a dress everyday and loved us kids. She also loved playing her piano as we sang patriotic songs. There we'd sit on the floor, "indian style" (now it's "criss cross applesauce"), as she be-bopped away on the keys, singing "You're a Grand Old Flag" and "Yankee Doodle." She played standing up with her back to us and I remember how her round butt looked, bouncing around right in front of our faces, her skirt swaying back and forth, her feet, bound in sensible shoes, tapping the beat. She was always smiling...
One day, we were all sitting on the rug while she sat in her chair reading us a story. I liked listening to stories as they were entertaining, the room was quiet, and they didn't require any effort on my part. As I listened to her voice and almost became sleepy from the noise of the fan and quietness of the room, I farted. Out of the blue. Loudly. And there was no escaping who it had come from. Needless to say, the red face, the laughter that ensued, and the assurance from my teacher that "now kids, everybody does that" is still happening today in all classrooms all over America. That's something they don't teach you in college.
Children fart. All the time. Fart sounds never cease to amuse even adults, who must resort to buying Flarp noise putty to get their laughs. What would we do without boys to make fart sounds with their armpits? Even a balloon expelling air causes fits. We all just have to admit: Farts are really funny. The next time a kid farts, look around at the other kids and revel in their faces of pure happiness and laughter. You will be laughing in no time, too. The next time you need to cheer someone up, exchange fart stories. Or read them Walter the Farting Dog.
Ok, wait. I have to amend my previous statement: Farts are really funny, until the smell hits you. An elementary classroom after lunch has its own unique blend of aromas that originate from 20+ (or 30+ depending on what grade-and that could be a whole other post on smells being emitted from pre-pubescent tweens) humans who've eaten a variety of lunch entrees, from pizza to chicken nuggets, salad, mac n'cheese, corn dogs, "taco boats," and even bean burritos! Why the HELL do they serve raw broccoli at the salad bar? The cafeteria workers/menu planners ought to sprinkle beano on everything and call it something clever. Fart-buster dust? I'm not a fan of air freshener, but some days the citrus febreeze finds its way into my hands and I'm spraying away, I'll take asthma over this stench any day!
Teachers (and volunteers! you are not off the hook) also pass gas in their classrooms. But what's so great about that is the kids always get blamed. I, shamelessly, have crop-dusted many a learning station as I walk by, only to hear someone else get blamed for farting. Just the other day, I had had a delicious chicken burger on a whole wheat bun with field greens and tomato with hint of lime tortilla chips and a diet Pepsi for lunch. Well, those tiny little air bubbles made their way to the exit sign just in time for class to start. So I just routinely dropped my bomb and walked away. I'm the teacher, I can do that. Unfortunately for me, the kid who was in the drop zone was not known for his subtlety and announced as he waved his hands in front of his face (smiling and laughing) that it "smells like rotten eggs over there!" Not one kid thought it was me. I'm the teacher, I don't fart.
Two years at Back-to-School Night, karma came to get me. I had given my presentation, something I never got used to doing, but managed ok, and some parents were hanging around to chat. I briefly talked with a few and suddenly I was face-to-face with a "hot dad." We're talking 6'5", tan, big guns, strong....and his wife, who I personally know as a former colleague. We hadn't met yet so he introduced himself and gestured to shake my hand. So I said, "Nice to meet y-FART!" at the exact moment we shook hands. His wife just looked away and tried (bless her) to pretend she didn't notice and a pregnant parent said, "Oh, that happens to me all the time!" as she patted her very huge abdomen. OK, I'm not pregnant. I just had Taco Bell cause I haven't been home since 7 a.m.
All I could do was laugh, because once again I found myself in the same second grade predicament. I turned beet red, suffered a little awkwardness, and then just laughed and so did everybody else. Maybe someday you'll find on bookstore shelves a book entitled, Mrs. B the Farting Teacher."
It turns out Mrs. Bjorkman was right. It does "happen to everybody" and it is really funny.
Crop-dusting is one of my favorite hobbies :) I love that you farted in front of a hot dad (so rare) - I think we'll have him in the 4/5 Academy next year. I'll have to be sure I don't eat Taco Bell on BTSN.
ReplyDeleteAnother fabulous piece of hilarity. "Fart-buster dust" is a must in gag gift stores across america. And I want a signed copy of Mrs. B the Farting Teacher the day it hits the shelves. When are the public readings going to start?
ReplyDelete