Bad Words

My first words were "oh chit." 

Having grown up in a family that didn't mince words, I knew of the existence of pretty much all the bad words.  My grandma was famous for her routine rant of "goddammitalltohellshitfartbastard!"  Kids, however, were not allowed to say them, not ever, and if we were to slip and utter one out loud, God would hear and we would go to hell.  I was seriously afraid of hell (I went to catholic school so going to hell was something I knew one had to avoid).  So I never said the words.  I believed, however, that grown-ups were somehow exempt. 

One day, I was performing the chore I hated more than anything.  I was picking up dog poop in the backyard.  It was fall and there were leaves on the ground.  The shovel was heavy, I was clumsy, and didn't see the big pile underfoot (we had big dogs whom I loved dearly who made big piles of poop).  I stepped in the dog poop and under my breath said, "Oh shhhhit."  I stopped, looked around.  I thought lightening was going to strike me, and when none did, I breathed a sigh of relief and vowed to never say it again because I had narrowly escaped disaster.

I once used a "bad" word that meant something entirely different than I thought it did.  When I was in Girl Scouts, in fourth grade, I told my mom that I like the green M&Ms because they make you horny.  I thought "horny" meant "happy."  Since I wanted to be as happy as possible, I was picking out all the green ones and eating them first.  La, la, la, la la.....yummy, yummy, these are soooo yummy!...Her reaction was completely surprising to me.  I was immediately set straight and turned crimson red. 

So often, in learning the english language, kids get confused.  They somehow know a straight up middle finger means something naughty, but they're not quite sure why.  How do you explain that one?  For that matter, how does one explain the f-word?  Shit, crap, damn, damn-it, ass, asshole, screw, piss, pissed off, butt, butthead, dick, and even the f-word and, I'm sure, a bunch of other words I can't conjure at the moment have been uttered by the wee ones, in most cases, innocently.

We all know the "s" word, the "a" word, the "d" word, the "f" word, and the "a" word.  But what's the "j" word?   (It's jerk, in case you were wondering)

One day, I was walking my class back to the room after lunch.  I'd already been greeted happily by their hot, sweaty, smiling faces, listened to the tattling, dealt with the usual complaints, and started reminding them of the walking-in-line-procedures:  "When our hands are at our sides, we're lined up straight and tall.  Mouths are closed, eyes look ahead, then we're ready for the hall."  Off we went, a delicate balance of my watchful gaze and my trust that once my back was turned, they'd continue to walk in a civil, non-twirling, single file, quiet line (that's a pipe-dream, but I still try year after year).  All along, there was this feeling, an unconscious note in my mind, that I didn't have everybody.  Someone was not in line.

At the same moment I became aware of that thought, Frank (of I Wost My Wunch fame) came running up with his eyes wide and sheer "oh shit!" panic written all over his face.  "Mrs. B!!!!!  SOMEBODY WOTE 'FUCK YOU' ON THE WOST AND FOUND!!!!" 

In "struck speechless" shock (did this kid really just shout Mrs. B someone wrote fuck you on the lost and found?) I said, "WHAT??"  I didn't expect or know that he would repeat it.

Again he shouted, more earnestly, "SOMEBODY WOTE 'FUCK YOU' ON THE WOST AND FOUND!"

I bent down, put my finger over my lips to indicate "sh" and "ok, I heard you" and I kept walking with my class to the door.  Nobody asked anything and nobody seemed to care. 

It was just a word they'd already heard before.  Let's get inside, it's hot out here.